So apparently humm3L is going to be a bad body rapper from the ghetto. He’s got the rhymes, now he’s trying to get money through some random online racing game for all the bling bling. I’m not going to lose many words, the battle has begun:

(beat begins)
humm3L has no job and is a fucking fat kid,
wastes his life on writing down the worst skit.
Never managed once to win a tourney,
in ET, the game that makes him horny.
English is something he doesn’t know of,
he is nothing but a little show-off.
humm3L, get it, you’re a goddamn loser,
just the number one retarded user
at Crossfire. (beat stops)

Peace out, yo. This goes out to all my homiez and hoez.

He had it coming though.

We’ve just received word that having a key for the Quake Wars beta does not make up for the fact that your penis is still extremely undersized. Neither does posting a journal about it.

In other news, there will be more posts on here soon. I am almost done conquering the world with my army of math geeks, soon I’ll have time again.

Seriously, people. While I go on holiday to laugh at all the goddamn hippies who have gathered to “protest” the G8 meeting in Germany, you decide to have some of the biggest scandals in Enemy Territory history. I don’t even know where to start.

The play takes place in the 21st century. The location is an online community which is based around the multiplayer game Enemy Territory. The characters are the polar esports team and other prominent members of the community.

He’s done it – again. I am out of words to describe my astonishment that humm3L can still live with himself after having had dozens of big announcements of teams that were going to own everything which then parted ways after only a few weeks. Well, here he is again. With the name AuxiliA (Wow, how intellectual. A latin name with a Roman picture attached to it. They’re probably trying to follow the big example of modus operandi who thought that having latin names for their team and their movies was super duper cool.) he has picked up a new sponsor who once again is supposed to make up for the fact that the team itself could not be any less interesting. The German web page spickmich.de has stepped up and decided to waste their money on a team that is not going to achieve anything.

First, let me make one thing clear. On May 6th, one of the first posts on this page detailed the crisis over at zeroPoint. We clearly stated that _shy and kerAn were going to be banned and that TosspoT would try to speak in their favour. All of these things happened or are at least imminent. This would be the appropriate time to sacrifice a dozen virgins to please me, your God. Come to think about it, don’t sacrifice them, send them straight here to my earthly loft.

There are teams that you have some kind of respect for. Well, respect might be the wrong word. Let’s say you just don’t hate them because they’re not random kiddos. Fear Factory was one of those teams. I bet you could go out with these guys and have some fun, wake up in the morning and realize that you’re naked although there were no women out with you, that your clothes are gone and that a lot more money has disappeared from your wallet than you spent on drinks. But that’s alright, they’re Polish, they can’t help it.

Their new lineup seems like a very odd joke though. They took in three Belgians and one Swede who is actually an Indian. So what we have now is a team that is not only limited in its practice schedule because mesqi’s mother comes to kiss him good night at 10 sharp, no, they’re actually the worst combination of nations ever. Six players that are going to come to your house, take your scalp, steal your car and molest and kill your seven year old daughter. Then they take out her heart, put it on a stick and roast it over fire to sacrifice it to Manitou. They rip open your shirt to realise that you’re way too old (above 10) to be a good rape victim and finally leave you lying in your own blood. They head for the next house and repeat.

Wow. They really should have stayed all Polish.

When I read Crossfire today, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Daniel “humm3L” M. was banned from the ET Cup for behavioural flaws (or to be more precise: for being an admin abusing ass). Clearly humm3L being banned from a cup was one of the signs of the apocalypse. While I was hoping for the end times to arrive and prepared myself to be guided to heaven by the returning Jesus, it hit me (Jesus didn’t come, by the way. I always knew the bible was fake.) – heaven was not the place I wanted to be.

To come back to my original point, there were quite a few funny incidents recently that in some way involved Daniel and his compadres. Notably the first amazing thing was that fireBall and humm3L went seperate ways. One could say that it was rumoured that those two were secretly having a love affair with steaming hot sessions of massaging each other’s balls while owning the Telenet servers – but that would be unfair, replace “rumoured” with “a fact” and “Telenet” with “random noob pub” and you get a more accurate picture. However, when it became apparent that fireBall and humm3L used to drop the soap for each other, if you get what I’m trying to say, they decided to split up for a while. My guess is that their love story is going to end like Brokeback Mountain (I haven’t seen that movie, but I’m sure it fits.) and that they will make the public announcement at the next Crossfire Prizefight Challenge.

What I stumbled across next was some extensive German log on Crossfire (read this and be ashamed of your flawed work there, Crossfire admins) which after a quick Babelfish translation revealed that humm3L was going to show up at a German LAN called Enlarged with his Russian friends, that fireBall would support him with a gang of child molesters and that rumba would beat him up while being “auf koks” (Can anyone help me with this? Babelfish didn’t really provide a proper translation here.). I’m sure you’ve all heard of the head butt keran received in Enschede. That was a first sign of Fatih “fireBall” Lastname dealing with his childhood experience of living in a mud hut in Eastern Germany. When they freed him, all they gave him was a computer with ET installed. Now he’s running around beating up people. Well done.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this, I’ve kind of lost the structure I’ve never had for this thing. Well, at least let’s all laugh at humm3L for being banned:

Hahahahahahahaha!

What an idiot.

Nothing important has happened in Enemy Territory for about a week. I think the game might be dead. However, this is our statement regarding all those who usually supply stories: Do something funny, outrageous, stupid, retarded or post a naked picture of yourself. ET-Truth readers will be grateful.

So when I thought that “sad animals” was as good as it gets when it comes to Google search terms, I noticed that this blog is the top result when looking for “how to spot a cheater on et”. That’s kind of odd because we have not written anything about this subject yet. My guess is that Google presumes that this page will most likely tell you at some point how to spot a cheater. But I became restless. Someone googled “sad animals”, got here and was not to be disappointed. Someone wanted to find out how to spot a cheater, came here and got nothing. I couldn’t that one let go without doing anything about it.

So here it is, “ET-Truth’s Guide On How To Spot A Cheater”.