(beat begins)
humm3L has no job and is a fucking fat kid,
wastes his life on writing down the worst skit.
Never managed once to win a tourney,
in ET, the game that makes him horny.
English is something he doesn’t know of,
he is nothing but a little show-off.
humm3L, get it, you’re a goddamn loser,
just the number one retarded user
at Crossfire. (beat stops)

Peace out, yo. This goes out to all my homiez and hoez.

He had it coming though.

In other news, there will be more posts on here soon. I am almost done conquering the world with my army of math geeks, soon I’ll have time again.

So keran and shy are now banned. Big deal, really. My opinion is that bans are useless. I recommend letting them play, then give them free places at the next LAN and then apply the good old FMJ methods: While they’re sleeping, get towels and soap and beat the crap out of them. If anyone volunteers, we can also let them pick up the soap in the shower, but that’s optional. I assure you they’ll never even think about cheating after that.

Then perfo came along. The poor 16 year old boy who finally got the attention he needed is now banned. Boy, just imagine…you’ve had cheat accusations being thrown your way all the time, you go to LAN events and prove that you’re actually a very good player and then your brother cheats and you’re out. That’s like making it to the Miss Universe finals only to have your parents tell everyone right before it that you’re a guy. And snoop? Oh, he must be crying like hell, playing in the EuroCup for the third time and once again getting fucked in the ass by ClanBase, even with an admin as their team manager. If life was that cruel to me, I think I’d already have killed myself…just kidding, Jesus, it’s just a goddamn game. But well, if the Internet is your life, it might be justified. Even more hilarious – they’ve just joined junk52 and I though it wouldn’t take them long to ruin the name, but they really exceeded all my expectations – playing with AzA, the guy who’s wanking over anime pictures all day, and getting a player of their lineup banned, that seems like they’ve already accomplished quite a lot in only one week.

Oh, and there is more. The World Cup has banned the Netherlands after perfo got banned and (now hold on to your chair) koto sent a zip proving that rocky cheats. Really? That’s like Saddam Hussein publicly stating that George W. Bush is violating human rights and should therefore be punished. Anyway, I don’t get why this news post got so many comments since we’ve started calling it Care Cup already and NxM is not ashamed of admitting that he, as the cup’s admin, is banned from the Dutch IRC channel. The news is posted by Skydeh, who is the perfect example that British people are ugly, dumb and have no sense of humour. Or is he even British? Anyway, he’s living on an Island, which is bad enough already. And these people are running a World Cup. I mean, come on. That’s like San Marino hosting the Olympics. Although I’ve heard they’re a front runner for the next Paralympics.

Other news? ClanBase is still run by people who have shit for brains, doneX has come out of the closet right when we needed a clueless admin replying to comments and TosspoT is trying to get everyone banned so that his friends keran and shy are not hit that hard.

Quite a week, eh? Would you excuse me while I stay away from this pathetic excuse for an online game that you call Enemy Territory for a while, thank you very much.

P.S.: Not going to stay away, but it felt like a proper sentence to finish the news post. You know, like perfo could just have written a statement and it could have ended “See you in hell, bitches, I’ll be banging your sisters while you sleep.”. That would have been appropriate. Ah, if only I was caught cheating.

Scene 1
The team is gathered in the ventrilo channel

perforator:  (sighs) I feel that we have gone way too long without doing anything extraordinary. People have given up saying that I’m a cheater and I have failed to attract any attention recently. I need to impress schnee in some way. What can we do?
Adacore: (in a proud voice) Hum…I could let you practise with the mortar for the next week, then release a new config where it is back. How about that?
snoop: (raging, in a high pitched voice) What? Stop the admin abuse! I still remember how you screwed us over, first with that lagging server where we had to play and then razz got banned, so I could never win the EuroC… (voice breaks as he starts sobbing heavily)
razz: (in a small voice) I’m so sorry…
toxic: (sweating like a maniac) I agree with perfo though. Man, there was a time when I could still brag about my IQ and people would give a crap, those were the days…what can we do so that our egos get a boost once again?
razz: (careful) Well, I know an easy way to get famous…
Xylos: (in a heavy Italian accent) No, we’re not going to use Rivatuner, thank you very much. I’m oldschool, why don’t we do something that has to do with oldschool?
sqzz: (jumping up) I have an idea! Do you guys still remember that team where I used to play, 141? We were the only ones who beat parodia in EuroCup XII, and later they took in teams full of whiners and retards so that the name was completely worthless. Why don’t we try to ruin some old name?
toxic: (sweating even more) Awesome! What about Destination Skyline…or rewind?
perfo: The rewind name is not worth a penny anymore since that Swedish team, remember? Hum, let me browse through the list of teams at EuroCup XI…parodia is not a multi gaming clan, idle are not taking in new teams…
razz: junk52! They had a great team, with urtier and senji who are now in Dignitas!
toxic: Sounds like a great name to throw dirt on. razz, you check if they have a website that says “coming soon”, that’s absolutely necessary, Adacore you go ask for t-shirts, plain white with junk52 printed on it will suffice, and I will go and look up their old tag so that we can properly reopen junk52!
Everyone: (cheering and clapping) Hooray! Another great name of ET’s past goes down, well done!

To be continued.

The interesting part is that the web page seems to be about teachers. Oh, the irony. Has any of the members of that team even been to a proper school? They all posted their picture and together they look like the joke version of D12:

humm3L, who claims that it was his achievement that the team attended CPC2 – probably he’s responsible for the dismal performance there as well. He supplies the bad looks and the sub standard English.

wEAK, who has that certain “I’m going to cut myself if you’re mean to me” (I have always wondered why they say things like that, since it would only encourage me to treat them badly.) look on his face. He’s the pet of the family apparently.

gerumba, who’s supposed to beat everyone up while being on cocaine (Thanks to all those who translated that for me!). It is always good to have a secret super weapon in the team.

fLiXX, whose picture looks exactly like that of a mass murderer, the kind where women think “Oh, what a gentle guy” right before they’re being tied to a pole and have their throats slit open.

fireBall, who’s finally reunited with his lover humm3L (ET-Truth reported). He has claimed that he wants to head butt at least ten people at the next LAN event.

haZer, who is “the best rifle in Germany” – excuse me for a second, I’m going to “rofl” as the cool kids would say.

kuraigu, who has thought about moving to the Bronx but has not yet managed to book a flight, so he remains the sorry excuse for a pimp of the team.

faux, who is “probably one of the unknown players” – right you are there, who the fuck is he?

As usual, the team wants to compete in every possible cup and attend every possible LAN. Probably this time everything is going to be different, right? We’re forced to care every time and then we should care again when the team changes again next week. humm3L, really. You’re 22, you have been playing ET for a long time now and you’ve won shit, how about you stop that madness and get a job and a girl-friend? Or if that is too hard, at least don’t annoy us with your announcements anymore? Pretty please, with a cherry on top? That would be so great.

In more Crossfire related topics, the column by AlcopoT has obviously resulted in a lot of comments. One of them was written by kerAn. According to him, he used the bot on a server without Punkbuster and then deleted everything except the log file. Boom, busted. Basically that’s like driving into a country where “police” is not even in the dictionary, robbing a bank and killing several employees and then going back to your home country with a video of your crime in your back pocket. That’s the point were “stupid” seems like a very mild expression. We haven’t heard of underscore shy yet but I didn’t really expect him to say anything. After all, he’s famous for joining teams together with slaz to go inactive after a few days.

So, where’s the punishment? The hunt for cheaters has often been equated with the medieval witch hunt. I’m all in favour of that and I’d be more than willing to take the position of the High Inquisitor. We’d torture cheaters and then burn them on a stake. Man, that would be fun, but I guess it wouldn’t really fit into modern times (nowadays they’d be sent to Guantanamo Bay, which is not that different from being brought to the Inquisitor). It would be quite unfair to the girl annajr though, who’s madly in love with kerAn.

Speaking of which, according to several studies published on the IRC channel of Harvard University (#harvard on GameSurge), cheating causes your testicles to grow into your stomach and reduces your penis size to an absolute minimum. It must be hard being together with that kind of guy and he’s probably using tools as well to provide her with at least some kind of satisfaction. Is he not punished enough already? Apart from being unable to give pleasure to any woman ever again, would banning him from ClanBase not destroy the last thing he has left in life, playing a random free online game?

Not that I really care, but it will be interesting to see what happens. If you ever reconsider the witch hunt, I’m ready to take my place. I’ve polished my knives to cut off fingers by the dozen, the Iron Maiden is ready, I have several boxes of matches at hand and I’ve practised the thumb screws.

P.S.: If you’ve actually tried to join #harvard, you’re a fucking nerd.

Their new lineup seems like a very odd joke though. They took in three Belgians and one Swede who is actually an Indian. So what we have now is a team that is not only limited in its practice schedule because mesqi’s mother comes to kiss him good night at 10 sharp, no, they’re actually the worst combination of nations ever. Six players that are going to come to your house, take your scalp, steal your car and molest and kill your seven year old daughter. Then they take out her heart, put it on a stick and roast it over fire to sacrifice it to Manitou. They rip open your shirt to realise that you’re way too old (above 10) to be a good rape victim and finally leave you lying in your own blood. They head for the next house and repeat.

Wow. They really should have stayed all Polish.

To come back to my original point, there were quite a few funny incidents recently that in some way involved Daniel and his compadres. Notably the first amazing thing was that fireBall and humm3L went seperate ways. One could say that it was rumoured that those two were secretly having a love affair with steaming hot sessions of massaging each other’s balls while owning the Telenet servers – but that would be unfair, replace “rumoured” with “a fact” and “Telenet” with “random noob pub” and you get a more accurate picture. However, when it became apparent that fireBall and humm3L used to drop the soap for each other, if you get what I’m trying to say, they decided to split up for a while. My guess is that their love story is going to end like Brokeback Mountain (I haven’t seen that movie, but I’m sure it fits.) and that they will make the public announcement at the next Crossfire Prizefight Challenge.

What I stumbled across next was some extensive German log on Crossfire (read this and be ashamed of your flawed work there, Crossfire admins) which after a quick Babelfish translation revealed that humm3L was going to show up at a German LAN called Enlarged with his Russian friends, that fireBall would support him with a gang of child molesters and that rumba would beat him up while being “auf koks” (Can anyone help me with this? Babelfish didn’t really provide a proper translation here.). I’m sure you’ve all heard of the head butt keran received in Enschede. That was a first sign of Fatih “fireBall” Lastname dealing with his childhood experience of living in a mud hut in Eastern Germany. When they freed him, all they gave him was a computer with ET installed. Now he’s running around beating up people. Well done.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this, I’ve kind of lost the structure I’ve never had for this thing. Well, at least let’s all laugh at humm3L for being banned:

Hahahahahahahaha!

What an idiot.

So here it is, “ET-Truth’s Guide On How To Spot A Cheater”.

In general one needs to make a difference between physical and online appearance of cheaters. The first part is going to deal with how to recognize (and beat the hell out of) cheaters on the street. We will then determine what the online part is all about.

Cheaters are not to be confused with the common hacker. The common hacker is a lone individual with long hair, a body mass index of far below 20 and finger nails so long he can scrape notes into the opposite wall while still sitting at his computer. Cheaters come in all forms and shapes and like to flock. They rarely appear at offline events and if they do, they like to sit together in groups and talk about how they could explain their weak LAN performance. Standard excuses include missing drivers, wrong chairs and tables and the lack of that certain smell of not having showered for weeks which they have grown so accustomed to. Unfortunately we cannot say much more about their physical appearance since most of them stay at home all the time anyway.

Far more is known about their traits of character and their online behaviour. A very prominent type is the “alexL” cheater. They obviously messed up configuring their humanized aimbots and try to explain 180 flicks with “just highsense”. Because cheaters are very funny, some of them even give themselves new nicknames like alexLowsense - if you’re still reading this, you’re one of the few who have not died laughing at this hilarious irony. It is quite common that cheaters, once it has become obvious that they’re not clean, stay “inactive” (meaning they play under a fake nick with their cheater friends) for a certain period of time – usually until the next LAN event has gone by. You can also spot cheaters by looking at their replies to so called “bust journals” – if it is something like “lol”, “so funny”, “retard” or “my girl friend told me my dick is too small and now im supposed to cheat? ffs wtf”, you can almost certainly assume that they are not clean. Then there is what we like to call “ETTV skill”. There are those who own the hell out of everyone while playing without anyone watching who miraculously have a bad day every time ETTV connects. By looking at their ETTV skill, you can determine if they cheat or not. Some of them don’t even try to hide their little helpers, like that Irish fag whose name I can’t even remember in the match against Belgium.

There are of course many more ways to spot a cheater. We do not want to give them all away since it would be too easy for them to prevent mistakes in the future. If you’re reading this and you’re a cheater, I should probably tell you that we will be waiting for you outside your door to cut off every single limb you’ve got and then dump you somewhere for vultures to take care of you. Afterwards we’ll kill everyone who knew you so that the memory of your face is wiped off the earth. Apart from that, have a nice day!

P.S.: Someone found this page by googlinge “”low-” enemy territory” – everyone who has written a comment should probably question how skilled he/she really is.