I just thought I’d let you know that someone found this page by googling “sad animals”. Yes, I think that’s referring to all those who cried under the “There Are Tits Everywhere!” post. There’s no point denying it, you’re all sheep, even Google knows it. I’m expecting search terms like “geeks trying to protect their Internet girliez” or “the page where too many thought the author gave a rat’s ass” to show up very soon. Although it still looks like Kirby’s Dreamland at the moment, we might even get a hit for “best page to laugh at nerds” in the not so distant future – even though Crossfire is holding on to that one very closely. Just keep working for it, will you? I’m offering 10 per cent of the Google ad revenue we make every month ($ 00,00) to anyone willing to help this good cause.

Note: This article has been sent to us, we did not write it ourselves – although it’s so good that I’d be tempted to take credit for it.

The UK team has been fraught with problems ever since jolt decided to host some forums. Times change, but whine levels seem to remain constant: the UK community migrated, much like the cheap whore, to Etnation, a site whose conception rests firmly on the shoulders of an eternal school master – or at least someone who, ostensibly, resembles one.

In a daring, nonchalant, rebellious move, the co-captains of the UK squad decided to field a squad of 12 players, proving once again that the British education system is utterly useless. The only explanation, besides the combined IQ of Potsmoker and Evo being less than the common domestic cat, is that we are somehow planning to field a B team, or what could be, in lieu of a recent performance, be more properly called a C team. In fact, however far down the alphabet you care to go, you may never get low enough. It is perhaps not fair to blame Potsmoker, as sources indicate he is AWOL with marital troubles, probably due to his sexual demands, which usually involve long sessions of ear nibbling interspersed with cries of “fooner!” and “Rascal!”.

The UK team were humiliated in a practise match versus rivals Portugal. The rejected Spanish offspring even sprang fresh hacking allegations, which were quickly dismissed when it was realised that the UK team were just really, really shit. I mean taking a dump and finding out there’s no toilet roll shit. I mean finding out your mother’s your sister shit. This is serious shit. I could go on for pages, informing you about how shit the UK team actually are, but that would be devoting far too much time to the something that is, in fact, shit.

 

Everything in our lives is based on perception. There is no absolute reality, just the reality everyone perceives. Many would like someone who talks about the way others look to be an ugly human being. So here’s how I look:

Has anyone noticed the recent drought on females over at Crossfire? Me neither, there seem to be more of them than ever before. One logical reason could be that some hot player has just entered the scene and some girl has told all her friends about that wealthy stud. Reading that sentence again I realize it’s wrong – wealthy stud? Doesn’t mix with ET, really. The closest we come to having a poster boy is Winghaven, and he’s little more than a sorry excuse for an Enrique Iglesias lookalike. There’s got to be another reason. Why does a female come to Crossfire, the home of real life losers and the shelter for geeks of all kind? There might be the standard answer (“lol, shes just ugly and has no friends, thats why”), but I think it’s far more diverse than that. So I decided to take a look at all those with breasts and without dicks (although I didn’t include mesqi there) and tell you exactly what it is about them.

Just recently the new big name in the scene Insignia Cadre introduced its first Enemy Territory online tournament in corporation with Qpad to the community. A good step for Enemy Territory one might think if you consider that this is the second largest online competition Enemy Territory ever had. With a prize purse of 1000 € and some Qpad goodies it comes right after the ESL IPS which was a huge success. But is that really the favourable development the community should strive for? I say no! Considering the fact that approximately around 40 % of the community is using cheats or atleast has tried them, tournaments like these even assist the negative development of the scene. I mean what drives people to use cheats? Right, either they have fun using them or they want to become a chief poobah in the community. And how do you get the attention? You get it by winning against big names in the community in tournaments which either are of big importance due to their reputation or which have a huge prize pot they can tell mommy off when they won it.

And even if they’re not winning the pot they’ll probably win against teams that truly put effort into getting better in the game on a legit way by hard training and dedication. You can follow their development through a longer period of time and they deserve the acceptance in the scene, not those you pushed the button and went off from zero to hero. Take kot and polewka as an example. Founded in 2004 you could see them developing and at the end playing in the Eurocup. A example for the newschool heros everybody can think about on his own, but I’m getting carried away..

What I really wanted to say is, that Insignia Cadre should’ve thought about merging with the next Crossfire Prizefight Challange to make it an even more unique event than the CPC #2 has been since doing an online tournament in the scene with the most hackers in eSports is simply nothing to look out for.

Regards,

mbssdr

p.s. Forgot to write something funny for Rhand. Oh my God, look at you Rhand. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

Disclaimer (by the editorial): We think mbdssr was drunk while writing this, it seems far too reasonable for this page. But then again, we have no standards so anything goes.

All eyes are looking at the two teams that battle it out for the last World Cup spot today. Many have waited for weeks to see this encounter, both teams are incredibly skil…I’m sorry, I can’t pretend to care. Jesus Christ, we’re talking about Chile and Bosnia-Herzegovina here. The Southern Americans have saddled their llamas and have traveled over the mountains to find a place where there is Internet (and electricity) while the Bosnians have all gathered in a bomb shelter so that their game would not be disrupted by explosives blasting away their mice. Those teams should be sparring partners for teams of the Warleagues Hotel group, not playing in a World Cup qualifier.

One could be lead to think that betting is everything these days. While in the good ol’ times the only way kids could earn an honest buck was to sell lemonade in their neighbourhood or to walk the streets at night, nowadays it’s all about gambling. And Enemy Territory players seem to be infected just like every other nerd these days.

Who does not remember the first Crossfire Prizefight Challenge? Poker everywhere, if you’d played it once, there were endless stories to be told – “Remember when I got lucky on the river after you had stolen my blind the round before and I went in with nothing but a two and a king (suited)? Oh man, those were the days…”. Even though obviously noone cared these stories kept coming up again and again. And then these poker journals. Not only do people show us the hands they’ve got (“Royal Flush, who wants to marry me?”), no, they show us videos as if it wasn’t enough that poker is on TV all the time. Gus Hansen is the greatest player of all times, I mean, wow. The video I watched was where he went all in without even looking at his cards and then won the hand, surely that must be very skilled? No, a goddamn monkey, even a seashell could go all in and then get lucky and win the pot. There’s no skill involved and the more you talk about it, the more you’ll get owned next time by a first timer although you’ve spent months watching those Youtube clips and reading up on poker strategy. Just get it: Nobody cares about who you’ve played poker with, what hand you’ve got, where you play, how much you win and how much you lose and who you consider the number one player. Keep that game to yourself.

But it gets worse. Ever heard of GBooky? That’s right, you can win money by betting on teams – virtual money that is. If it’s only virtual, people are quite relaxed about it, right? So I thought, but then the hordes of GamesTV geeks proved me wrong. A result is not there fast enough, five dollars are missing, the odds are altered to something more reasonable? Obviously they all try to get rich with virtual money because the unbearable complaining every time is just hilarious. I can vividly imagine the conversation: “Son, you’ve just left school, you have no job and no future, what have we done wrong?” “Don’t worry, mother, I’ve used my time wisely. Even though I failed at school and have no friends, I’m first at GBooky!”. Great job there, sport. You’ve joined the ranks of those who are first in the SETI@Home project or those who lead the ranks of some random browser game. There is only one thing left to do – get a life.

Ok, we didn’t really think that the news posts with lineups of World Cup teams would stop, but we’ve really reached an all time low when it comes to the care factor this time.

Let’s start with Belgium. They quote Caesar – in Latin. Now if that itself wasn’t enough of a show-off act, the quote actually means that the Belgians are “the bravest among those he mentioned”. Those familiar with Caesar’s speeches are not fooled by that, they know that this statement was preceded by the notion that there were “many tribes that have shit for brains” (translation may not be totally exact) – Belgians were dumb but brave. But a lot has changed in Belgium since then, which is why you may have noticed a lot of their players to be without a team. The reason is simply that male Belgians, once they’ve reached a certain age, are sent to one of the many institutions where they learn how to properly molest and kill children without getting caught by the authorities.

Next were the Russians. I have no idea where they got those photos from, but they are either from another country or have been tampered with. Any sane person knows that blue skies and white, clean buildings are nowhere to be found in the former Soviet Republic and anyone secretely pushing away the clouds or cleaning the houses will be put into jail. Well, just kidding – they’ll be shot right away, because I believe that’s how Russian law works. It is also rumoured they have a special form of russian roulette where all the chambers are filled, but each bullet leaves another shape of exit wound – a lot of surprise for the one who has to do the autopsy! But I’m getting carried away. Humm3L is still in that lineup although he’s not a Russian – he tried to take on their typical trades of character, but being an obese unemployed drunk does not get you all the way there, I’m sorry to say that. They also talk about girls – which leads me to the famous quote that describes Russia perfectly, “Here in Russia we have to pay women for sex. You only get it for free if it’s your daughter or sister.”

And finally, there’s Italy. The country that has no food except pizza and pasta, where all men manage to look gay, where they build sports cars that need to be driven by foreigners to be successful and where crime is the only thing that is left to be proud of. And apparently their country is inhabited by Gremlins who have the Italian flag painted on their face. I mean, they even prohibited naked chests in Venice because with all this hair on the Italian bodies, tourists kept thinkin they had traveled to Endor by mistake (Yes, that’s the planet where the Ewoks live). Way to go there, suckers.

Oh, I almost forgot Germany. I kept thinking about what to say about their lineup and I came up with this: You wankers have started and lost two world wars, do you really think you can win a world cup?

I just received an email from rbnt in which he blatantly demands that I publish an article written by him about our lovely World Cup admin NxM. At first read I was shocked but then I saw the opportunity to show the community what a bumlicking, backstabbing retard he is.

Hi I’m rbnt =d i’ve read the blogs which are on ur site so far and they are
well amusing xd

Ohh nice, I can really feel his tongue in my ass.

following nxm’s crappy english and his crappy worldcup i
decided to write one for myself! hope u’ll publish xd

Here’s the deal, you apologize to NxM in a journal on crossfire.nu and I will not publish the article you sent to me. How’s that? If this does not happen in 24 hours, you can be sure to read it here.

regards, mbssdr.

## update ##

The mighty World Wide Web has found its next victims. Team Dignitas, though weakened by the absence of reload who is currently recovering from a surgery that was supposed to make him look less female (we have no confirmation of its success yet), lost after a struggle against the Finnish players of Insignia Cadre. As ETTV viewers tell us, Squall was the player of the match. It is not surprising that Squall was one of those players who could not attend the Crossfire Prizefight Challenge 2 with their team. Squall claimed that he had to take part an attempt to break the world record in blowjobs per hour which is why he could not come to Enschede. Unfortunately, he was beaten by a toothless street whore who obviously had an advantage in that contest.

Another player who has not attended any major LAN event yet was responsible for polar’s win over The Last Resort. razz, famous for being one of the first EuroCup players to get busted, which has gotten him the infamous quote by the whiney borderline retarded FlyingDJ, was one of the best players in that match. Insiders claim that his decision to drop out of school at the age of 14 to practise playing FieldOps has had a major influence on his skill. While he might end on the street without a job very soon because of that choice, he still has the chance to win the money he needs for a living in the many (2) competitions Enemy Territory has to offer.

We think he’s online only though.